How do you control the angry ones

What to do with my anger - Learn to control anger

Where should I go with my anger and how do I learn to control it? These are questions that everyone has asked themselves before. And it is actually possible to learn to control anger. This article explains the most important steps to do this.

Learning to control anger - that's what it's all about

You know it: the boss got on your nerves or your in-laws at the last family reunion were particularly charming - in many situations you will feel angry. You need not be uncomfortable with this, because anger is a natural emotion that needs to be lived like everyone else.

  • But if the anger gets out of control, it can have dire effects on your environment and your body.
  • People around you will most likely harshly and yell at you. In the worst cases, you will become violent as a result.
  • Uncontrolled and pent-up anger is not good for the body either. Palpitations, stomach upsets, and obesity are common effects on the body.
  • Learning to control anger effectively is not that easy and takes a lot of practice. Nevertheless, it is worth it, because you will then feel better and can use the energy for productive purposes.

Step 1: Understand the anger

By the time you know why they're getting angry, the first big step is usually already taken. Finding the cause is not always that easy.

  • One important piece of information is that whoever makes you angry is usually not the reason.
  • The reason for this is almost always in childhood. In childhood we learn from those around us how it is okay to deal with anger or we carry hurts from childhood that we never dealt with.
  • Children are often not allowed to romp and act out tantrums, which results in most adults being unable to deal with their anger.
  • Therefore, allow your children to act out the anger. When that is over, children often want to be comforted. You should also do this to show the child that it is okay to show emotions. In this way, the child gradually learns to deal with the anger and the seizures become lighter.
  • The feeling of anger is also viewed obliquely by society and not accepted. A symptom of this is busy psychologists' schedules that you inevitably end up with when emotions get out of hand.
  • Important: Learn to understand where the anger is coming from. For example: does the boss who treat you derogatory really make you angry or do you feel reminded of a strict parenting figure who has always treated you that way?
  • Are you really angry or are you trying to cover another emotion? Good examples of this are: vulnerability, shame, pain, and insecurity.
  • Was it not allowed in your environment as a child to show emotions? This also contributes to not being able to handle anger well.
  • Write down your thoughts. That helps to analyze and understand them.
  • If you understand where the anger comes from, it is usually easier to remain calm in an argument and to be more neutral about the other person.

Step 2: recognize the warning signs

There are always physical warning signs of an outburst. You should pay attention to these. On the one hand, you will become more aware of when “it's that time again”, on the other hand, just concentrating on your body can help calm down, because it will divert your thoughts from the anger issue. Possible body symptoms are:

  • Clench your jaw and clench your fists
  • Tensing your shoulders
  • Hot feeling or lump in the stomach
  • Fast, shallow breathing
  • The need for exercise
  • Difficulty concentrating
  • a headache
  • Palpitations

Step 3: learning to cool down anger

So, when you know what the warning signs of a tantrum are, you have created the time to act. Of course there are techniques that are best learned from a psychologist. However, there are also simple tips that can help:

  • It can help in the situation to focus on your own body.
  • Take a few deep breaths. It is important that you take in breath from your stomach and as deeply as you can.
  • Move. Walking around helps get rid of pent-up energy and approaches the difficult situation with a clear mind.
  • Imagine a place that is soothing for you or listen to relaxing music.
  • Relax the tense areas with stretching or massage.
  • Slowly count down from ten in your head to get your mind under control. You are welcome to do this several times.
  • Extreme anger fizzles out quickly and this short time can be enough to get clear thoughts again.
  • Ask yourself good-mood questions: What am I happy about at the moment? What's going well in my life? What am I looking forward to?
  • Sing your angry thoughts or say them in a silly voice. This often makes the thoughts less threatening or even amusing.
  • Also try to put yourself in the shoes of the person opposite you. Understanding why the party is reacting the way they do can help cool down the anger.

Step 4: Express your anger in a healthy way

Consuming anger is never a healthy option. This makes the body sick and leads to the symptoms mentioned above. It is therefore important to act out anger in a healthy manner without harming anyone else.

  • If it is not appropriate to let the anger out, find a place where you are undisturbed and shout the anger out of your body there.
  • A walk, preferably in the woods, is a good place to do that. Screaming into the pillow at home can also help.
  • Exercise. Anger can make physical exertion easier and, as a pleasant side effect, it will make you more productive. A fit body can also better deal with the physical symptoms of anger.
  • Convert your anger into creative energy. A text that revolves around the emotion or a picture that expresses it can be a very good outlet for it.
  • Learn to constructively share your angry thoughts with the partner in the dispute. Instead of “The other must…” and “That must not be.” rather say: "I would prefer him / her ..." or "I wish that ..."
  • Don't take too long to discuss anger with the other person. If you wait too long, you may no longer communicate what is really important to you or what hurt you.
  • Anger is a driver. Redirecting them into something useful will always be constructive.
  • Always keep in mind that if you are still unable to control your anger in spite of your techniques, then it is perfectly fine to seek professional help.

To be more balanced, it is important to say no and set boundaries. We'll tell you how to do this in the next article.

Video tip: ZDF presents: Traces of Evil - Anger